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Sex & Love The messy reality of shower sex

Mar. 26, 2021
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Shower sex is essentially killing two birds with one stone. You have to get ready in the morning, and you often wake up dirty and horny. Or you’re the kind of person who showers and is horny at night. Whatever—you got dirty, but you also want to get dirty. So getting wet in all the right ways seems like a healthy compromise for everyone.

But shower sex isn’t as glamorous as Archie and Veronica make it out to be in Riverdale season 2, or Archie and Betty in Riverdale Season 5 (Archie loves having sex in the shower—maybe he should’ve written this). Getting it on where you scrub yourself down can be a bit of an intricate process, and while you can have a spontaneous moment of passion, it’s better to prepare yourself for the pitfalls that come with it. Let’s get into it.

There’s…water...everywhere.

This is a given. When you’re having shower sex, water is jetting out at you from a narrow sprinkler at a velocity and temperature that can often be unpredictable. I won’t claim I know what kind of shower situation currently occupies your bathroom, but an amazing, uncomplicated shower is a true sign of privilege. If you aren’t lucky enough to have plumbing that works in your favor, give your shower a chance to warm up to match your steamy passion.

Also, to reiterate, water is jetting down at you from above! So make sure the water isn’t pointed at any genital area. You want a mouth full of the good stuff, and you don’t want to drown in liquid quite so soon. 

Lastly, just because it’s wet doesn’t mean you’ll be well lubricated. Water’s going to run all over your bits and wash away any natural lubrication your body secretes when you’re getting hot and heavy, so silicone-based lube will help the process go smoothly, as it’s long lasting—and unlike water-based lubes, silicone-based lube won’t easily wash away when coming into contact with water. Make your privates slippery! And speaking of slippery…

Going down!

I don’t know if you already know this or not, but taking showers can be a death trap! It’s something we do so often, and just standing there can lead to vicious falls. Now imagine pounding down your partner while trying to not slip on that porcelain. You’re not professional figure skaters; recovering from intricate athletics on slick surfaces isn’t your specialty.

The best way to protect yourself is to invest in a non-slip mat for the bottom of your shower. You want to worry about pleasuring your partner, not if you’re going to get a concussion. You could invest in some shower grips so you can have something sturdy to hold on to while you’re going for a ride. There are also shower stools you can buy, which means you can really get in there to do your dirty work.

If you don’t want to invest in your shower sex life, try to be mindful of how you’re doing it. The best position I’ve found involves the “receiver” bent over, hands against the wall, away from the shower head (again, there’s water everywhere, and I don’t wanna drown in pound town). If you have a bathtub, sitting on the lip is also effective. Explore the nooks and crannies of your shower to find any crevices you can stick your appendages in while your partner sticks an appendage in you. Create an anchor for yourself so you can be safe. And speaking of safety...

Condom inefficiency

You just invested in all this equipment so you don’t slip—now, you have to make sure condoms don’t slip off your equipment (should you feel so inclined to use them). It’s important to put condoms on before you get in the shower, as doing so reduces the chance of water getting in them, so they don’t slip right off, or worse, break.

Also, remember that silicone-based lube I told you to get? Well, break it out here! Again, any natural lubrication your body builds up will wash away with the water, so lather your junk up with that glaze before you stick it in your respective ovens. And speaking of lathering…

Washing is foreplay, drying off is cuddling

You’re in there anyway, why not actually get your filthy selves clean? Doing some preliminary washing can work as great foreplay to gear yourselves up for the wet and wild adventure you’re both about to embark on. Cleaning off your partner is a rather therapeutic and relaxing process, and it’s also great intimacy. While I am a disgusting little slut who wants you to rain on me in every possible sense of the word, I also love romance! So be nice to each other until you’re being bad with each other.

Cuddling is one of the best parts of sex, and wet bathtubs or tiled floors aren’t exactly the best place to lay down. You can inject a bit of intimacy by drying each other off. Wrap your partner in a big warm towel and give ’em a little hug as you rub them down.

While shower sex isn’t something I do all that often now that I’m in a stable relationship with a man who owns a bed frame (brag), it’s still something that’s a fun little treat for us to do. It’s important to know where the dangers are, because this can actually be a dangerous activity, which honestly makes it hotter. Sorry, I love risks!

So go give yourself a God-honoring baptism, and bathe yourself in your partner’s holy water. With all this shower sex you’re going to be having, you’ll have a lot more free time on your hands to do whatever you want. Take up a hobby, start a small business, or catch up on Riverdale season five considering I just told you Betty and Archie have sex in it and that’s kind of a spoiler. Not really, but it was nuts when they got together!